The Paradox of "Cool"
Why it's hard to talk about coolness.
Coolness. It’s one of the vibes of Vibes Project and it comes with a strange awkwardness. Why? Because of something I call the Paradox of “Cool”:
It is definitively uncool to talk about being cool. All coolness evaporates on contact with intention.
The paradox makes it awkward to discuss something we all experience in one form or another. Think about the role coolness plays in popular culture. Over the past fifty years, cool became a widely accepted goal, in part because it was fused with marketing and commerce. In short, cool sells, and today, it’s one of the motors of popular culture.
Despite this, coolness operates beneath the surface, constantly evolving. It shapes trends, fashions, media, and consumption choices. Yet, we rarely talk about it on a personal or analytical level. Think for a moment how rare it is for someone to say:
“I bought this because I want to be cool”
“I’m a cool person”
“I like them because they’re cool”
Those statements feel awkward, right? The sentiments, however, may be familiar. Coolness is a factor many consider, but thanks to the Cool Paradox, we can’t openly acknowledge it.
Another Perspective
Perhaps coolness isn’t a factor for you. You can see how it impacts culture and other people, but it’s not something that appeals to you or motivates you. This perspective may connect with sentiments like:
“The idea of trying to be cool is absurd”
"I don’t know what makes something cool."
“That person is just doing that to appear cool”
This, too, is a real and valid experience. To discuss coolness, even in a critical light, feels weird. Saying that coolness doesn’t matter can feel like violating a social norm or breaking an unspoken rule. Whatever your perspective, I believe coolness is a force that deserves more analysis.
Let’s Get Personal
I do not seek to elevate the idea of coolness or cool people. I want to break it open and see what’s inside. I want to talk about it, and other vibes, without the weight of the paradox. Soon, we will get to the details.
For now, I want to come clean regarding my connection with coolness. I’ve been aware of its presence since middle school, and I am fascinated with coolness. I get satisfaction from doing things I feel are cool and being with people I consider cool. Coolness is a factor in my decision-making, right alongside price and quality. It feels like a part of my personality to be aware of and attracted to coolness. Even if it sometimes works to my detriment, it’s always there.
Phew. That’s liberating.
Perhaps this admission proves I’m not cool, and that’s fine. There may be some magically cool person who has never considered coolness in their decisions, but I doubt it. Most are just aware of the paradox and have a natural setting that produces the vibe. Few are immune to its influence.
I was heartened to hear this bit of transparency from one of my favorite podcast hosts:
“I’ll tell you something about myself that won’t surprise you… I’ve never been considered cool; I know cool people, I’m not against coolness. I just don’t possess it. I’m uncool enough that I often ask my cool friends why certain things are cool right now. How did we decide that big pants are back in style? If you have to ask, you’re not cool. And I do have to ask, not just professionally, and personally, but because of my personality. So I’m not cool, and I‘m old enough to be OK with that.“
- PJ Vogt from this episode of his podcast Search Engine
I want to hear from you:
Try to step outside the Cool Paradox for a moment. Reflect on coolness as a cultural force. Does coolness influence you? How? What’s your personal take on coolness? And has your perception of it changed over time?
My confession.... sure, why now? As an awkward, hyper-sensitive, skinny, not-very-sporty, not-very-good-at-pop-culture-references, introvert-who-wanted-to-be-an-extrovert youth (I would say basically 1st grade through high school), my ambitions were aimed *much much lower* than what I perceived to be cool. I just wanted to feel like I fit in with the groups and people around me, and doing that invisibly and without attention was very much an acceptable and desirable outcome (as long as I wasn't called out as not belonging or tagging along too much.
I eventually figured out how to fit in (being kinda neurodivergent did come with the superskill of being able to deeply immerse myself in a pursuit and to gain confidence in my ability to figure any riddle out), and so I figured out that I could actually use a slightly curated/filtered expression of my awkwardness and quirks as a *way* to fit in, in college and beyond. It also helped of course that blogs and social networks on the internet allowed me find people that had experienced a similar "chronic outsiderness" and it became possible to "belong" with these people, and to feel seen by them.
I'm not referring to the stereotypical revenge of the nerds kind of resurgence (that was the previous generation maybe), and anyway I was a creative writing major and aspiring novelist, not an engineer. The alt-cool "hipster" label was used as a derogative while also kind of pointing in the direction of people we admired (people too cool to be called hipsters). What's that all about? Within these groups (I feel like the 2000s in Seattle abounded in these) there was a new kind of cool, because it always needs to be pointing at itself and distancing itself from any association with it at the same time. Which, I guess after years of therapy and going through the roller coaster of being cool and not being cool a few times, and moving to the bay area and having kids and kind of burning out from tech and the social scenes meant that I was back in that situation of any concept of cool, which turns out I'm cool with. It really activates all of my external validation, hyper-fixation, and insecurity to participate in that world and I'm just not a natural at it.
I guess I have a lot of thoughts about this! In fact, I coined for myself the concept of "chalant" which is the opposite of cool... not just in the way people try to avoid being labeled cool/hipster/influencer/etc... but in actually being unconcerned with being cool or being uncool. Reverting to my usual way of awkwardness, trying too hard, caring too much, being vulnerable, admitting fault, etc without doing the social math on if it will pay off or not. At least for myself, internally "giving up" on being cool and being chalant is a much simpler way to be, and much better for my mental health. It allows me to post long responses to simple questions like this and not worry about oversharing, for example! Not even sure this was what you were asking for with the question, but here you go! 😅