My confession.... sure, why now? As an awkward, hyper-sensitive, skinny, not-very-sporty, not-very-good-at-pop-culture-references, introvert-who-wanted-to-be-an-extrovert youth (I would say basically 1st grade through high school), my ambitions were aimed *much much lower* than what I perceived to be cool. I just wanted to feel like I fit in with the groups and people around me, and doing that invisibly and without attention was very much an acceptable and desirable outcome (as long as I wasn't called out as not belonging or tagging along too much.
I eventually figured out how to fit in (being kinda neurodivergent did come with the superskill of being able to deeply immerse myself in a pursuit and to gain confidence in my ability to figure any riddle out), and so I figured out that I could actually use a slightly curated/filtered expression of my awkwardness and quirks as a *way* to fit in, in college and beyond. It also helped of course that blogs and social networks on the internet allowed me find people that had experienced a similar "chronic outsiderness" and it became possible to "belong" with these people, and to feel seen by them.
I'm not referring to the stereotypical revenge of the nerds kind of resurgence (that was the previous generation maybe), and anyway I was a creative writing major and aspiring novelist, not an engineer. The alt-cool "hipster" label was used as a derogative while also kind of pointing in the direction of people we admired (people too cool to be called hipsters). What's that all about? Within these groups (I feel like the 2000s in Seattle abounded in these) there was a new kind of cool, because it always needs to be pointing at itself and distancing itself from any association with it at the same time. Which, I guess after years of therapy and going through the roller coaster of being cool and not being cool a few times, and moving to the bay area and having kids and kind of burning out from tech and the social scenes meant that I was back in that situation of any concept of cool, which turns out I'm cool with. It really activates all of my external validation, hyper-fixation, and insecurity to participate in that world and I'm just not a natural at it.
I guess I have a lot of thoughts about this! In fact, I coined for myself the concept of "chalant" which is the opposite of cool... not just in the way people try to avoid being labeled cool/hipster/influencer/etc... but in actually being unconcerned with being cool or being uncool. Reverting to my usual way of awkwardness, trying too hard, caring too much, being vulnerable, admitting fault, etc without doing the social math on if it will pay off or not. At least for myself, internally "giving up" on being cool and being chalant is a much simpler way to be, and much better for my mental health. It allows me to post long responses to simple questions like this and not worry about oversharing, for example! Not even sure this was what you were asking for with the question, but here you go! 😅
Thanks so much for the comment, Buster. It's fascinating to hear about your path in thinking about this throughout your life. I think most people have similar feelings about trying to find themselves and where they fit in. It's not easy and for some, the memories are not pleasant. The idea of coolness seems to matter a lot more in youth. Perhaps as we age, we either stop caring, or become more at home with the people we are. I think that's healthy. Also, I love the term "chalant" as the opposite of cool.
I'm always trying to figure out how this project could help a young person see this whole idea from a different perspective that's not about the tropes of high school, or pop culture. We're all more complicated and nuanced that it seems and learning to appreciate these differences with empathy is part of the goal. Thanks again for sharing!
I love the idea of framing this project in terms of helping a younger person navigate the labyrinth of vibes / fitting in / over-confidence vs insecurity. As parent of a 14-year old and an 8-year old I see these things unfolding and feel that parenting cliche of being strongly motivated to help them avoid the pitfalls of my own path, but with the danger of directing them into other, equally traumatic, but more unfamiliar pitfalls. I'd love to hear more about what your thinking is around how we could do that.
Yep, I’m thinking a lot about framing right now in terms of why I think this all matters. A key idea, to me, is that there aren’t easy ways to discuss this stuff currently. There isn’t a vocabulary and that’s part of what I want this project to do.
My confession.... sure, why now? As an awkward, hyper-sensitive, skinny, not-very-sporty, not-very-good-at-pop-culture-references, introvert-who-wanted-to-be-an-extrovert youth (I would say basically 1st grade through high school), my ambitions were aimed *much much lower* than what I perceived to be cool. I just wanted to feel like I fit in with the groups and people around me, and doing that invisibly and without attention was very much an acceptable and desirable outcome (as long as I wasn't called out as not belonging or tagging along too much.
I eventually figured out how to fit in (being kinda neurodivergent did come with the superskill of being able to deeply immerse myself in a pursuit and to gain confidence in my ability to figure any riddle out), and so I figured out that I could actually use a slightly curated/filtered expression of my awkwardness and quirks as a *way* to fit in, in college and beyond. It also helped of course that blogs and social networks on the internet allowed me find people that had experienced a similar "chronic outsiderness" and it became possible to "belong" with these people, and to feel seen by them.
I'm not referring to the stereotypical revenge of the nerds kind of resurgence (that was the previous generation maybe), and anyway I was a creative writing major and aspiring novelist, not an engineer. The alt-cool "hipster" label was used as a derogative while also kind of pointing in the direction of people we admired (people too cool to be called hipsters). What's that all about? Within these groups (I feel like the 2000s in Seattle abounded in these) there was a new kind of cool, because it always needs to be pointing at itself and distancing itself from any association with it at the same time. Which, I guess after years of therapy and going through the roller coaster of being cool and not being cool a few times, and moving to the bay area and having kids and kind of burning out from tech and the social scenes meant that I was back in that situation of any concept of cool, which turns out I'm cool with. It really activates all of my external validation, hyper-fixation, and insecurity to participate in that world and I'm just not a natural at it.
I guess I have a lot of thoughts about this! In fact, I coined for myself the concept of "chalant" which is the opposite of cool... not just in the way people try to avoid being labeled cool/hipster/influencer/etc... but in actually being unconcerned with being cool or being uncool. Reverting to my usual way of awkwardness, trying too hard, caring too much, being vulnerable, admitting fault, etc without doing the social math on if it will pay off or not. At least for myself, internally "giving up" on being cool and being chalant is a much simpler way to be, and much better for my mental health. It allows me to post long responses to simple questions like this and not worry about oversharing, for example! Not even sure this was what you were asking for with the question, but here you go! 😅
Thanks so much for the comment, Buster. It's fascinating to hear about your path in thinking about this throughout your life. I think most people have similar feelings about trying to find themselves and where they fit in. It's not easy and for some, the memories are not pleasant. The idea of coolness seems to matter a lot more in youth. Perhaps as we age, we either stop caring, or become more at home with the people we are. I think that's healthy. Also, I love the term "chalant" as the opposite of cool.
I'm always trying to figure out how this project could help a young person see this whole idea from a different perspective that's not about the tropes of high school, or pop culture. We're all more complicated and nuanced that it seems and learning to appreciate these differences with empathy is part of the goal. Thanks again for sharing!
I love the idea of framing this project in terms of helping a younger person navigate the labyrinth of vibes / fitting in / over-confidence vs insecurity. As parent of a 14-year old and an 8-year old I see these things unfolding and feel that parenting cliche of being strongly motivated to help them avoid the pitfalls of my own path, but with the danger of directing them into other, equally traumatic, but more unfamiliar pitfalls. I'd love to hear more about what your thinking is around how we could do that.
Yep, I’m thinking a lot about framing right now in terms of why I think this all matters. A key idea, to me, is that there aren’t easy ways to discuss this stuff currently. There isn’t a vocabulary and that’s part of what I want this project to do.